Losing Perfection...

Warning: this post is a long one :)

This past spring semester in college, I was going through school by myself, for myself. I've since discovered that not asking God for directions is the same as ignoring his directions. I also discovered that that system does not work. Sure, I was "successful" in the sense that I got A's in all my 5 classes, and I currently hold a 4.0 GPA. But who cares, really? In the process, I was the most stressed out that I've ever been in my life. I was so worried about a perfect performance in school, I couldn't see how stressed I really was.

I couldn't bring myself to let go of control. I had found a system that worked. I was getting good grades. I was prepared for virtually every class. I was always on time, and so were all of my assignments. All my homework was as complete and impressive as I could make it. All in all, I was the perfect student.

But...

I was by myself all the time. I couldn't hear God's voice when I wanted to, because I was ignoring it when I didn't. The people around me got so used to not having me around, it got to the point where I felt I was ignored by everybody once I was with them. I could see I was changing, and I didn't like who it was who was coming out. I wasn't helpful, I was tired. I wasn't compassionate, I was distracted. I wanted to have fun, but there wasn't time. When there was time, it wasn't fun. I never got a break.

So I retreated. I sunk down into myself, put up a brave front, and soldiered on.

And dreaded fall semester.

That dread went up and down during summer break. Dance camp reminded me that I was seen and irreplaceable both to God and to those around me. A visit from a childhood friend reminded me that I do have friends who understand me, and who I can be myself around. My brother came back from a 5-month YWAM DTS, so my family was once again complete. God put different systems in my life to help me let go of the perfection that drove every aspect in my life. They were simple things, like not making myself brush my teeth for exactly 2 minutes every night.

Through many different circumstances, and through many morning quiet times, God reminded me of who I am; who I really am. While he did that, he also showed me anew who he is. My grip on dread loosened as I realized that he would take care of me.

One specific example of this happened in July. We were scheduled to go on a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park. The night before we left, I fell ill. I got a 102°F fever, and I was really dizzy whenever I stood up. The next morning, while I was waiting to go to urgent care and get meds, the hymn It is Well popped into my head. I realized then that whatever happened to me, it was all going to be okay. God was in control, he would take care of me, and he would never leave me.

I ended up missing the first three days of the trip while I recovered. I didn't mind, though.

One more thing that was awful about spring semester: I couldn't find peace. That was implied, I suppose, but it was a big deal to me. The specific fact that I could not enter God's rest was devastating. I was kept away from something that is the right of all of God's children. But it was me keeping myself away from it. I could feel the truth of that. In the back of my mind, God was asking me to surrender control to him. But in the front of my mind, I could see that I was getting the results that I desired.

Whenever I considered completely surrendering control, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff about to jump off. So I didn't.

Anyway, having the summer off really helped. I wasn't so stressed out, but that wasn't the same as having God's peace. I still had moments where I dreaded going back to school. The stress of spring semester was like a deep, black, swirling pit that waited to swallow me whole as soon as I let it.

But something God told me during Dance camp stuck with me all summer. Every time I faced that dread, he would tell it to me again. "What is in your past is not what I have planned for your future."
I also got a sense that I was supposed to wait. When the time came, he would present his solution.

That solution ended up being the same one that had been in the back of my head all of spring semester: surrender. Well, I did. I have. I am, and I will.

I surrendered during another camping trip, this one near Mt. Evans. It wasn't easy. It still felt like jumping off a cliff, at least until God intervened. He told me to read my poem Scales of Surrender, which you can find elsewhere in the Sunset Room.

When I read it, I felt free to let go of my offering, and take up the life of freedom. That way, it didn't feel like a freefall, it felt like an exchange. God told me to focus on what I was receiving, and let myself lose sight of what I was giving up.

That was about a week before school started back up again. Now, whenever I was worried about it (because I still was), I would surrender again. God would remind me that keeping up with school is not my responsibility anymore.

The story doesn't end there, because he did some really cool things the night before fall semester started. However, that post may well end up being almost as long as this one, so I'll put it to rest for now. Be watching for it.

I was going to name this post "Losing Perfection, Finding Peace." However, since the story is not quite finished yet, I'll leave off the other half until it is.