Merry Christmas, everybody!
As our year draws to a close, I've been looking over what I've learned this year, both in school and in my Bible-reading room. It has been a lot!
At the beginning of this year, I was just about to start on my first semester in my program at college. I would be taking 14 credits that spanned over five classes. I knew I'd be busy and in school a lot, so I was worried. I thought I wouldn't have time to spend with God in the mornings, and I thought I wouldn't have the brain power to learn spiritual things while I was cramming in so much school information. God reassured me and told me that I didn't need to worry about learning from him. He'd let me off the hook in that department. That was pretty comforting to me.
But I think I either misunderstood, or he was testing me. Because the fact that I determined to focus on school and push God into the background was what started the misery that was to overshadow me during that semester. My life became infested with worry, fear, and a drive to gain perfection on my own. The weird part is, I spent twice as much time doing devotionals during that spring semester as I did this past fall semester. I think it was because I was trying to get in a whole day's worth of spiritual growth in an hour.
I already spent two blog posts talking about what happened that spring, and what changed over the summer. So I'm not going to go over it again. If you need a refresher, you can read my posts "Losing Perfection...Finding Peace"
So, now to the point of this post, and why I entitled it "I Can't."
I recently read a meme on Facebook that quoted some famous person I don't remember. He (or she) said something on the lines of, "Don't limit your dreaming to something you can do by yourself (i.e., without God's help)."And I realized that I had been doing just that. I am more likely to discard an idea without prayer if I think I can't do it. I sometimes look at things through the lens of "If God doesn't come through, at least I can do it without him." But that's not something we, as Christians, ought to do. We need to be willing to say "I can't, but I will anyway." God may well call us to do something we cannot do without him, like walk into an inferno without dying. And there's a good reason for him to do that. He's teaching us, especially me, to rely on him wholeheartedly. He doesn't want us to have any reason to put our trust in ourselves.
The world says the opposite. They say, sometimes literally, "Never say the words 'I can't.'" They teach you to pursue the highest dream imaginable, but understand your limits. Even before you can read, they're telling you the story of The Little Engine that Could. And sometimes, we get confused. Like I did this spring. I compromised without knowing it. I said, "I'll get God's help." But I never fully relied on him.
We pray for God to give us the strength to do what needs to be done. There is nothing wrong with doing that, but we need to be sure that we have the right motives when we're doing it. We need to be doing it from the perspective of "God needs to do this, not me" instead of "I need to do this, but I need a boost."
That's the black and white version of that prayer. However, I find that I'm most easily deceived in the grey area. Like "I need to do this, but I can't do it alone." My advice is this: Stay in the white area. Trust God. Don't be afraid to say, "I can't" and mean it. Then, when God asks you to do the impossible, you can relax, knowing that he will take care of you.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Sunday, December 6, 2015
He's Always Been Faithful
Hi, everyone! Merry Christmas!
I have a couple of stories from this weekend about God's faithfulness that I wanted to share with the world. What better way of doing that than on the Internet?
The first one starts quite a ways back, in September. I started a new session at Celebration Ministry of Arts (CMA), and I volunteered to assist a class during an hour that I wasn't dancing. They put me with an older class because the teacher didn't expect to be able to fine-tune their dance during dress rehearsal, as she had a prior commitment. So they put me in that class to help out. God also told me to learn the dance really well just in case something happened to one of the dancers.
Well, something did. One of the dancers in that class dropped out just two weeks before the performance. And I was able to step in because God had told me to learn the dance really well.
But there was another problem. I was still supposed to be "cleaning" the dance at dress rehearsal. It would be the first time I'd ever done it before, and it's an extra challenge to clean a dance that you are in. So I was pretty nervous about that, but God told me not to worry, just trust him.
As it turned out, last Monday, the Monday before the performance, the teacher in that dance said that she would be able to make it to dress rehearsal after all, and she'd just be missing the performance. Tada! God solved the problem! Yay!
It was the first of many...
The next story starts on Friday, the morning of both dress rehearsal and performance. I was doing my devotional time, and praying extra hard for the performance, the audience, and the dancers. God told me that this performance was important, and therefore would be under extra attack. So I prayed earnestly against that, claiming the protection of the Holy Spirit. I distinctly remember asking that the auditorium would truly become a sanctuary. A place where people could come in, experience Jesus, open their hearts, and leave changed. I got the sense that even though we would be attacked, none of the attacks would prevail.
Dress rehearsal went really smoothly. I was responsible for supervising the class that I had been the assistant teacher for that semester. As I stated earlier, they were a little older, so when I was needed elsewhere I could trust them to behave themselves. They were released midway through the afternoon and told to return at least 45 minutes before the performance started.
To make a very long story short, here's a list of all the problems that were solved that night, some of them just in time:
-Me not having enough dinner. I had enough energy to last two dances and a finale, plus a lot of running
-One of the kids I was supervising was having some trouble breathing right after we got off stage. We found a friend who had an inhaler she could use.
-I finished a costume change literally less than five seconds before I had to be back on stage. It still went off without a hitch.
-Because I was busy with changing costumes, I didn't have time to get flags for the younger kids, who needed them as a part of the finale. One of my friends covered for me, and got the flags to them less than a minute before they needed them.
-I had enough energy to help clean up, pack up, and carry all the costumes, as well as my own stuff. Then I got home and collapsed with exhaustion, after being at the church for 12 1/2 hours.
Through all these instances, God proved faithful again and again. I never had to worry or panic, I just had to think on my feet a little.
However, the success of the performance is not the only great thing God did this weekend. Throughout November, I have, in addition to CMA and taking 15 college credits, been choreographing a dance for my church's Christmas Eve service. Not only has God given me the choreography for it, he also told me exactly who he wanted involved, and who he didn't want involved.
Well, that dance wasn't finished yet, just three weeks before Christmas. That's usually the time that you want to be wrapping things up, but we had only gotten through the first two verses and one chorus. I wanted to finish, but I also have school to think about. I'm about to take nine finals in the next week. Again, God told me to trust him, and I told the dancers that he would take care of it.
With all my school, and with CMA on top of it, I haven't had time to choreograph more... At least, not during the day...
So God decided that we would do it at night! Last night/this morning, God woke me up at 3:30am with the rest of the choreography for the dance. All of it! I spent an hour dancing in my head, and then in my room in the dark. And when it was time to teach it to the other dancers after church, I was able to remember everything!
So to conclude this post, Praise the Lord! He's always been faithful to me, and I know he always will be!
I have a couple of stories from this weekend about God's faithfulness that I wanted to share with the world. What better way of doing that than on the Internet?
The first one starts quite a ways back, in September. I started a new session at Celebration Ministry of Arts (CMA), and I volunteered to assist a class during an hour that I wasn't dancing. They put me with an older class because the teacher didn't expect to be able to fine-tune their dance during dress rehearsal, as she had a prior commitment. So they put me in that class to help out. God also told me to learn the dance really well just in case something happened to one of the dancers.
Well, something did. One of the dancers in that class dropped out just two weeks before the performance. And I was able to step in because God had told me to learn the dance really well.
But there was another problem. I was still supposed to be "cleaning" the dance at dress rehearsal. It would be the first time I'd ever done it before, and it's an extra challenge to clean a dance that you are in. So I was pretty nervous about that, but God told me not to worry, just trust him.
As it turned out, last Monday, the Monday before the performance, the teacher in that dance said that she would be able to make it to dress rehearsal after all, and she'd just be missing the performance. Tada! God solved the problem! Yay!
It was the first of many...
The next story starts on Friday, the morning of both dress rehearsal and performance. I was doing my devotional time, and praying extra hard for the performance, the audience, and the dancers. God told me that this performance was important, and therefore would be under extra attack. So I prayed earnestly against that, claiming the protection of the Holy Spirit. I distinctly remember asking that the auditorium would truly become a sanctuary. A place where people could come in, experience Jesus, open their hearts, and leave changed. I got the sense that even though we would be attacked, none of the attacks would prevail.
Dress rehearsal went really smoothly. I was responsible for supervising the class that I had been the assistant teacher for that semester. As I stated earlier, they were a little older, so when I was needed elsewhere I could trust them to behave themselves. They were released midway through the afternoon and told to return at least 45 minutes before the performance started.
To make a very long story short, here's a list of all the problems that were solved that night, some of them just in time:
-Me not having enough dinner. I had enough energy to last two dances and a finale, plus a lot of running
-One of the kids I was supervising was having some trouble breathing right after we got off stage. We found a friend who had an inhaler she could use.
-I finished a costume change literally less than five seconds before I had to be back on stage. It still went off without a hitch.
-Because I was busy with changing costumes, I didn't have time to get flags for the younger kids, who needed them as a part of the finale. One of my friends covered for me, and got the flags to them less than a minute before they needed them.
-I had enough energy to help clean up, pack up, and carry all the costumes, as well as my own stuff. Then I got home and collapsed with exhaustion, after being at the church for 12 1/2 hours.
Through all these instances, God proved faithful again and again. I never had to worry or panic, I just had to think on my feet a little.
However, the success of the performance is not the only great thing God did this weekend. Throughout November, I have, in addition to CMA and taking 15 college credits, been choreographing a dance for my church's Christmas Eve service. Not only has God given me the choreography for it, he also told me exactly who he wanted involved, and who he didn't want involved.
Well, that dance wasn't finished yet, just three weeks before Christmas. That's usually the time that you want to be wrapping things up, but we had only gotten through the first two verses and one chorus. I wanted to finish, but I also have school to think about. I'm about to take nine finals in the next week. Again, God told me to trust him, and I told the dancers that he would take care of it.
With all my school, and with CMA on top of it, I haven't had time to choreograph more... At least, not during the day...
So God decided that we would do it at night! Last night/this morning, God woke me up at 3:30am with the rest of the choreography for the dance. All of it! I spent an hour dancing in my head, and then in my room in the dark. And when it was time to teach it to the other dancers after church, I was able to remember everything!
So to conclude this post, Praise the Lord! He's always been faithful to me, and I know he always will be!
Friday, November 6, 2015
The Last Deception
In Matthew 27:64, the Pharisees and chief priests ask Pilate for security for Jesus' tomb, because if his disciples started claiming that he had risen from the dead, then "this last deception would be worse than the first." Therefore, there is something very significant about the fact that Jesus not only died, but was raised to life. Something that threatened the Pharisees (and by Pharisees, I mean all the religious leaders of Israel at the time).
But before we talk about the "last deception", let's talk about the first. Let's examine what the Pharisees might have seen in Jesus that was deceptive.
The Pharisees were convinced that Jesus was a lawbreaker, despite the fact that they could never prove it. That view tainted everything he said. He even had the nerve to tell them publicly, to their faces, that not only was he not a lawbreaker, but that they were. So they hated him. They didn't believe him. Believing him would have caused them to lose face. And because Jesus was "wrong" about them, nothing he said could be believed. This is the first deception: that Jesus knew more about God and the Law than the Pharisees, chief priests, and teachers of the law.
But even that was not the worst part of the "first deception". The worst part came when Jesus explained why he knew more than they did. He claimed to be the Son of God, which, as explained in John 5:18, was the same as claiming to be equal with God. We know this to be true, but the Pharisees saw it as an outrage. They killed him for it, and tried to erase the deception of the populace by mocking him and daring him to prove it once he was, in their eyes, powerless.
And yet, the claim and "deception" that Jesus made to be King of the Jews, the ultimate authority and judge of right and wrong, was not as great a threat than the claim that he could rise from the dead.
So what was it about the resurrection that was so threatening?
His resurrection is what made a national witness a global proclamation. It proved that he had been in control of his own life the whole time, that he had given it up willingly. Anybody can claim that the people who capture, convict, and kill them don't actually have the power. But if anybody but Jesus had said it, they would have had to back up the statement by coming down from the cross before they died, because their control over the situation would end in death. Not so with the Son of God.
1 Corinthians 15:12-22 explains that without the resurrection of Jesus Christ, our faith would be "futile" and our preaching "useless". Verse 19 says, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, than we are to be pitied more than all men."
Why would our faith be "futile" and our preaching "useless" without the resurrection of Jesus Christ? Because it is because of the resurrection that our hope is not in death, but in life. I like to say that Jesus died to defeat sin, and he rose again to defeat death. That is true, but not a complete reason.
The resurrection proved that the cross was not a defeat, but a victory. It gave his disciples new hope and boldness, because the threat of death was no threat at all anymore. It means that whatever pain we go through in this life will end in our death, and we will live forever with new life. That is the power of the resurrection. That was the threat of the resurrection. The threat was not in the "deception," but in the possibility of people believing the witness, and what those people would be able to do. What we can do. Anybody can deny that the cross was an act of God, but nobody can deny that of the resurrection.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Vital Signs
As a Vet Tech student, I learned how to take different species' vital signs. We called them TPRs, which stood for Temperature, Pulse, and Respiration (in human medicine, vital signs also includes blood pressure). Vital signs themselves are just what they imply: they are merely outward, measurable signs that reflect what is actually going on inside the animal's body.
Owners are encouraged to learn how to take their pet's TPR so that if they suspect it is ill, they'll have what we call a "reference range" of what is normal for their specific pet to weigh the results against. That way, they'll have a better idea of whether or not to react.
Lately, I've been thinking that we as Christians should do the same thing. I think that every so often, we need to reflect on what we believe a Christian life should look like, and weigh that against what our own lives look like.
So, how do we do that? I suggest writing up your own "reference range." What do you believe are the basic signs of a healthy relationship with Jesus? Just like a TPR, what is on display in our lives is merely a signal of the condition of what is inside us.
I'll include my own list, but I encourage you to get alone with God, and figure out with Him what your personal list is.
I'll use the same acronym as regular vital signs: TPR, and Blood Pressure.
T=Truth
"T" usually stands for temperature. This number shouldn't change much. As you probably know, in humans it isn't a "range" at all, just one number: 98.6°F. Temperature is also a little awkward and uncomfortable to measure in the veterinary world. In my mind, this perfectly represents Truth. What Truth is should never change for a Christian. It was created by an unchanging God, and is given to us through His unchanging Word. It is also uncomfortable and awkward for us when God tells us we've been believing a lie, just like taking the temperature of a pet. Sometimes, I feel like a cat. Cats hate getting their temperatures taken. I'm sometimes the same way. If I am getting the sneaking suspicion that I'm believing a lie, I shut myself in so that I won't have to face the fact. I don't often ask for God to "search me." I don't like having my "temperature" taken.
However, think about how important temperature is. If you have a fever (i.e., your temperature is high), that means your immune system is fighting off an invasion. It could be a virus, bacteria, or an infection of some kind.
This reminds me of the times when I lose sight of what is True. My stress level increases drastically, because I'm questioning everything. My mind goes on overdrive. I become more perfectionistic and strict. I get strict because when I've lost sight of the Truth, I'm paranoid about stepping over the line. The line I can no longer see. Therefore, if I'm seeing this vital sign, I know I need to reevaluate what it is I think is True. I need to get with God, read the Bible, and ask for help from trustworthy, Godly people who can encourage me and remind me of what I once knew.
P=Passion (to daily meet with God)
"P" usually stands for Pulse. This measures how often your heart is pumping oxygen to your tissues through the circulation system. If your tissues become oxygen deprived for even a couple of minutes, the cells start dying. To me, the faithfulness and rhythm of that "thump-thump" represents the Passion of a Christian to daily meet with God. One interesting thing about this correlation is the fact that when you listen to a heart, two "thumps" count as one beat. This makes me think of the two essentials of a daily devotional: Bible reading and Prayer.
Just like with a Pulse, any defect in this vital sign has instant results. If I skip this for even one day, I notice a difference in my behavior. I have a harder time hearing and following God's directions, because I didn't re-familiarize myself with His still, small voice. I feel reluctant to do anything. I get much less humble, and lose a lot of self-control. I'm more easily irritable, and much less patient. I break like half the rules in the Law of Love, because I didn't get together with the Author of Love. And like I said, all it takes is missing one beat. If the heart misses one beat, you have a huge problem. The same thing with daily devotions. It can be caused by several different urgings. "After college," "I'll do it later," and "when I'm less stressed out by work" are all valid-sounding reasons. The one I usually fall for is "I deserve a break." But do you know what would happen if the heart took a break? The first thing it would kill is itself. Cardiac arteries are the first vessels to get fresh, oxygenated blood. Haven't you noticed that once you've skipped one daily devotional, it becomes easier to do it again? Therefore, when this vital sign is off, you can have a very big problem, very quickly.
R=Regular meetings
"R" usually stands for Respiration Rate. It measures how often the body inhales oxygen and exhales waste products from cellular metabolism (aka, carbon dioxide). It is slower than a pulse, but just as important. The one cannot function without the other. To me, this represents Church (Rrrrregularly meeting with other believers). Church is the place where your soul can take a nice, deep breath. Inhaling encouragement and peace through getting deep into God's presence and meeting with trustworthy people. Exhaling all the waste products you accumulated during the week. I also find something interesting about Respiration Rate. When I'm measuring it, I become much more self-aware, self-conscious of my own RR. Church can do the same thing. It reminds you to reflect on the condition of your walk with Jesus. It reminds you to take your vital signs. It also provides you with some "reference ranges": the people you admire whose vital signs are all evident and going strong. The cool thing about church is, as you take that deep breath, you're helping others do the same. After all, if lungs didn't work, they wouldn't get oxygen either. So no one at church needs to feel like everyone else is relying on them to get happy. God takes care of everyone, and He uses everyone to do it.
When this vital sign is missing or messed up, we see the same issues as with Pulse. After all, the baseline problem is still oxygen deprivation. So it is with me when I miss church. One, it becomes easier to do it again. Two, I have a harder time hearing God. Three, I start breaking the Law of Love, accumulating waste products (did you know that when you hold your breath, the urge to breath again doesn't actually come from a need for more oxygen, but a need to get rid of carbon dioxide? Your brain measures the toxicity levels in your blood, and tells your lungs to get rid of it by exhaling). However, I find that when I miss church, another side effect comes along. I lose that connection with the people. It's harder to pick up where we left off. I find myself performing for them to try and regain their favor. And while I'm trying to regain the attention from people, I lose sight of why I'm there: to refocus my heart, mind, soul, and strength on loving God. Therefore, "let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Hebrews 10:25)!" Don't hold your breath!
BP=Brokenness Propulsion
"BP" usually stands for Blood Pressure. My anatomy teacher describes it as measuring "how the heart is working as a pump." When I hear that, and try to correlate it to something Christian-like, my mind immediately goes to Compassion, which is a measure of how your heart is working as a propulsion device :).
As a Christian, if your heart is not broken about anything, that means your heart is broken. Our hearts, when we are deeply in touch with God, start to love people like His heart does, and start caring about the ones who need Him in one way or another. You don't have to have a broken heart about everything. Personally, my heart, when I'm really in touch with His, breaks for children and persecuted believers. I also notice a great compassion for those who are doing the persecuting. My prayers for b.a.s.i.c (brothers and sisters in chains), always end up including a prayer for the guards, the officials, and/or the terrorists/extremists who are hurting them.
With Blood Pressure, there are two numbers, one on top the other. The one on top basically measures how wide the blood vessels get when a big volume of blood gets pushed through it (therefore, how much pressure the blood has behind it). The number on the bottom measures the tone of the vessel; how small it gets when the pulse has passed through (therefore, how well the vessels are helping propel the blood forward). This is called systolic/diastolic pressure.
Compassion also has two "measurements" or "stages" in my mind: How willing you are to feel it, and how willing you are to act on it. When you have a weak BP, that indicates that either your heart is failing (where either it is working too hard, there is not enough muscle tone) or something like being dehydrated (where there isn't enough blood volume in the first place). If your heart as a Christian is failing, it could indicate that you're working too hard, and so "being choked by the anxieties of this life". This happens to me all the time, where I'm too distracted and motivated to do my work to notice or act on the needs of others. Being dehydrated could mean not having drunk the Water of Life (either not lately or not at all). Like I said earlier, if I am not deeply in touch with Jesus, my BP drops like *that*. I need to be infused with Him in order to feel like being poured out on His behalf. Therefore, the condition of your heart is easily indicated by your Brokenness Propulsion.
That's all our vital signs: Truth, Passion, Regular meetings, and Brokenness Propulsion. TPR and BP. I believe that we should regularly take our own Spiritual vital signs, so that if there is a problem, we'll catch it early. Just as vital signs are just an outward expression of what is going on inside the body, so are our Spiritual vital signs just a way to measure the condition of our hearts.
Luke 6:45 "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."
Owners are encouraged to learn how to take their pet's TPR so that if they suspect it is ill, they'll have what we call a "reference range" of what is normal for their specific pet to weigh the results against. That way, they'll have a better idea of whether or not to react.
Lately, I've been thinking that we as Christians should do the same thing. I think that every so often, we need to reflect on what we believe a Christian life should look like, and weigh that against what our own lives look like.
So, how do we do that? I suggest writing up your own "reference range." What do you believe are the basic signs of a healthy relationship with Jesus? Just like a TPR, what is on display in our lives is merely a signal of the condition of what is inside us.
I'll include my own list, but I encourage you to get alone with God, and figure out with Him what your personal list is.
I'll use the same acronym as regular vital signs: TPR, and Blood Pressure.
T=Truth
"T" usually stands for temperature. This number shouldn't change much. As you probably know, in humans it isn't a "range" at all, just one number: 98.6°F. Temperature is also a little awkward and uncomfortable to measure in the veterinary world. In my mind, this perfectly represents Truth. What Truth is should never change for a Christian. It was created by an unchanging God, and is given to us through His unchanging Word. It is also uncomfortable and awkward for us when God tells us we've been believing a lie, just like taking the temperature of a pet. Sometimes, I feel like a cat. Cats hate getting their temperatures taken. I'm sometimes the same way. If I am getting the sneaking suspicion that I'm believing a lie, I shut myself in so that I won't have to face the fact. I don't often ask for God to "search me." I don't like having my "temperature" taken.
However, think about how important temperature is. If you have a fever (i.e., your temperature is high), that means your immune system is fighting off an invasion. It could be a virus, bacteria, or an infection of some kind.
This reminds me of the times when I lose sight of what is True. My stress level increases drastically, because I'm questioning everything. My mind goes on overdrive. I become more perfectionistic and strict. I get strict because when I've lost sight of the Truth, I'm paranoid about stepping over the line. The line I can no longer see. Therefore, if I'm seeing this vital sign, I know I need to reevaluate what it is I think is True. I need to get with God, read the Bible, and ask for help from trustworthy, Godly people who can encourage me and remind me of what I once knew.
P=Passion (to daily meet with God)
"P" usually stands for Pulse. This measures how often your heart is pumping oxygen to your tissues through the circulation system. If your tissues become oxygen deprived for even a couple of minutes, the cells start dying. To me, the faithfulness and rhythm of that "thump-thump" represents the Passion of a Christian to daily meet with God. One interesting thing about this correlation is the fact that when you listen to a heart, two "thumps" count as one beat. This makes me think of the two essentials of a daily devotional: Bible reading and Prayer.
Just like with a Pulse, any defect in this vital sign has instant results. If I skip this for even one day, I notice a difference in my behavior. I have a harder time hearing and following God's directions, because I didn't re-familiarize myself with His still, small voice. I feel reluctant to do anything. I get much less humble, and lose a lot of self-control. I'm more easily irritable, and much less patient. I break like half the rules in the Law of Love, because I didn't get together with the Author of Love. And like I said, all it takes is missing one beat. If the heart misses one beat, you have a huge problem. The same thing with daily devotions. It can be caused by several different urgings. "After college," "I'll do it later," and "when I'm less stressed out by work" are all valid-sounding reasons. The one I usually fall for is "I deserve a break." But do you know what would happen if the heart took a break? The first thing it would kill is itself. Cardiac arteries are the first vessels to get fresh, oxygenated blood. Haven't you noticed that once you've skipped one daily devotional, it becomes easier to do it again? Therefore, when this vital sign is off, you can have a very big problem, very quickly.
R=Regular meetings
"R" usually stands for Respiration Rate. It measures how often the body inhales oxygen and exhales waste products from cellular metabolism (aka, carbon dioxide). It is slower than a pulse, but just as important. The one cannot function without the other. To me, this represents Church (Rrrrregularly meeting with other believers). Church is the place where your soul can take a nice, deep breath. Inhaling encouragement and peace through getting deep into God's presence and meeting with trustworthy people. Exhaling all the waste products you accumulated during the week. I also find something interesting about Respiration Rate. When I'm measuring it, I become much more self-aware, self-conscious of my own RR. Church can do the same thing. It reminds you to reflect on the condition of your walk with Jesus. It reminds you to take your vital signs. It also provides you with some "reference ranges": the people you admire whose vital signs are all evident and going strong. The cool thing about church is, as you take that deep breath, you're helping others do the same. After all, if lungs didn't work, they wouldn't get oxygen either. So no one at church needs to feel like everyone else is relying on them to get happy. God takes care of everyone, and He uses everyone to do it.
When this vital sign is missing or messed up, we see the same issues as with Pulse. After all, the baseline problem is still oxygen deprivation. So it is with me when I miss church. One, it becomes easier to do it again. Two, I have a harder time hearing God. Three, I start breaking the Law of Love, accumulating waste products (did you know that when you hold your breath, the urge to breath again doesn't actually come from a need for more oxygen, but a need to get rid of carbon dioxide? Your brain measures the toxicity levels in your blood, and tells your lungs to get rid of it by exhaling). However, I find that when I miss church, another side effect comes along. I lose that connection with the people. It's harder to pick up where we left off. I find myself performing for them to try and regain their favor. And while I'm trying to regain the attention from people, I lose sight of why I'm there: to refocus my heart, mind, soul, and strength on loving God. Therefore, "let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Hebrews 10:25)!" Don't hold your breath!
BP=Brokenness Propulsion
"BP" usually stands for Blood Pressure. My anatomy teacher describes it as measuring "how the heart is working as a pump." When I hear that, and try to correlate it to something Christian-like, my mind immediately goes to Compassion, which is a measure of how your heart is working as a propulsion device :).
As a Christian, if your heart is not broken about anything, that means your heart is broken. Our hearts, when we are deeply in touch with God, start to love people like His heart does, and start caring about the ones who need Him in one way or another. You don't have to have a broken heart about everything. Personally, my heart, when I'm really in touch with His, breaks for children and persecuted believers. I also notice a great compassion for those who are doing the persecuting. My prayers for b.a.s.i.c (brothers and sisters in chains), always end up including a prayer for the guards, the officials, and/or the terrorists/extremists who are hurting them.
With Blood Pressure, there are two numbers, one on top the other. The one on top basically measures how wide the blood vessels get when a big volume of blood gets pushed through it (therefore, how much pressure the blood has behind it). The number on the bottom measures the tone of the vessel; how small it gets when the pulse has passed through (therefore, how well the vessels are helping propel the blood forward). This is called systolic/diastolic pressure.
Compassion also has two "measurements" or "stages" in my mind: How willing you are to feel it, and how willing you are to act on it. When you have a weak BP, that indicates that either your heart is failing (where either it is working too hard, there is not enough muscle tone) or something like being dehydrated (where there isn't enough blood volume in the first place). If your heart as a Christian is failing, it could indicate that you're working too hard, and so "being choked by the anxieties of this life". This happens to me all the time, where I'm too distracted and motivated to do my work to notice or act on the needs of others. Being dehydrated could mean not having drunk the Water of Life (either not lately or not at all). Like I said earlier, if I am not deeply in touch with Jesus, my BP drops like *that*. I need to be infused with Him in order to feel like being poured out on His behalf. Therefore, the condition of your heart is easily indicated by your Brokenness Propulsion.
That's all our vital signs: Truth, Passion, Regular meetings, and Brokenness Propulsion. TPR and BP. I believe that we should regularly take our own Spiritual vital signs, so that if there is a problem, we'll catch it early. Just as vital signs are just an outward expression of what is going on inside the body, so are our Spiritual vital signs just a way to measure the condition of our hearts.
Luke 6:45 "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."
Friday, October 2, 2015
Safety
So, there was a shooting yesterday at a community college in Oregon. This comes right on the heels of my own college campus being evacuated twice in one week. Once because of a shooting threat, and once because of a bomb threat.
It appears that our world is not a safe place to be. So what do we do? How do we respond?
Here's what I think:
Matthew 10:28a "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul."
We as Christians have nothing to worry about. God said that we can walk through fire and not be burned, because he is with us (Isaiah 43:1-4).
We can take comfort in the fact that we were bought at a price, and God does not take that investment lightly. He is able to protect us.
But what if it is his plan for us to be injured or killed? I say this: if it is his plan, there is no better thing that could happen. To live is Christ, to die is gain. So again, we have no reason to be afraid.
My heart and prayers go out to those who lost friends, teachers, and loved ones at the shooting yesterday, as well as to those who knew and loved the shooter. Every life is precious and worth mourning, and I pray that the God of all comfort and healing would be with those who mourn today.
Let us go out with courage, not shrinking back from the growing darkness. As the world grows darker, the light we carry will become brighter. Grace and peace be with you.
It appears that our world is not a safe place to be. So what do we do? How do we respond?
Here's what I think:
Matthew 10:28a "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul."
We as Christians have nothing to worry about. God said that we can walk through fire and not be burned, because he is with us (Isaiah 43:1-4).
We can take comfort in the fact that we were bought at a price, and God does not take that investment lightly. He is able to protect us.
But what if it is his plan for us to be injured or killed? I say this: if it is his plan, there is no better thing that could happen. To live is Christ, to die is gain. So again, we have no reason to be afraid.
My heart and prayers go out to those who lost friends, teachers, and loved ones at the shooting yesterday, as well as to those who knew and loved the shooter. Every life is precious and worth mourning, and I pray that the God of all comfort and healing would be with those who mourn today.
Let us go out with courage, not shrinking back from the growing darkness. As the world grows darker, the light we carry will become brighter. Grace and peace be with you.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
...Finding Peace
So there I was, the night before school started. I was thinking over what the next day might bring, trying to steel myself against the darkness I would be walking into. I was also thinking over the plot of The Lord of the Rings (which I had seen for the first time the day before), and how it illustrates so beautifully the fact that light always conquers darkness, no matter how powerful the darkness might seem.
I was in bed. Usually, at night, I tell myself a story to help me get to sleep. That night, however, God spoke to me. He said, "No, no, no. Tonight I'm telling you a story."
I was like, "Okay, that's pretty cool. What's it about?"
This is the story he told:
"Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a field of flowers (He was talking about me). At a very young age, she decided who it was she would follow. She followed Him on a path through the field for a while. She mostly watched the path, but sometimes she would look up to the One she was following. Every time she did, she came a little closer to Him. Lately, however, she's been focusing too much on where she places her feet. She wants each footstep fits perfectly into each of His (me and my perfectionism. I'd never thought of it that way before). Instead, she needs to look up and focus on the One who is creating those footsteps which she is following."
He wasn't exactly saying everything. It was mostly communicated with pictures, with Him narrating every so often. Like the gentle rebuke of how the little girl needs to focus more on the One she is following.
So the story continued, with the two of us leaving the field of flowers behind. The landscape changed to something more hard and rocky.
Eventually, we came to the top of a ridge, overlooking a dark valley. Here we stopped, I came alongside Him, and He took my hand. We looked down into the valley, where our path was heading next.
The path led down a steep slope, twisting and winding its way to the valley floor. On the other side stood a tall mountain that was soaking in sunshine. The valley itself was full of darkness. There was no light. There was, however, a village. And it was the village that held Jesus' gaze. As we looked down on this dark place, He spoke once more, this time about the path that lay ahead.
"It will not be pleasant, but the people down there are worth meeting."
I felt good, then. Calm. Resolved. I knew Jesus would be with me every step of the way, and that the darkness down there would not consume me. I would reach the mountain that lay on the other side, and climb back up to the light. But I would not regret taking the hard path along the way. God would use me as a light down there where there was none. He would be working in me, ministering to people who needed to see that light.
I realize now that it doesn't matter what happens after that. My job is to be a light. If they join me on the path, so be it. If not, then I will still have accomplished what needed to be done.
Anyway, that was where the story ended that night. This week, however, God added a couple more details:
It was bedtime on Labor Day. School for the week was starting the next day, Tuesday. I would only be in school for three days, because I don't have any classes on Fridays. However, despite that fact, I was discouraged. I didn't want to get up to an alarm again, didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to spend the energy interacting with my classmates.
This was partially because I had just finished my last break from school until Thanksgiving. Something about the fact that there's no break mid-semester made me feel trapped. So, I didn't want to school.
God reminded me of the story of the journey. He brought me back to the place where we had left off: the top of the hill. He then skipped ahead a little.
"Now the girl is on the decent, climbing down boulders, still holding the hand of the One she is following. She's letting Him guide and help her down each and every boulder (each boulder represented one week at school). Sometimes she balks at the steep drop to the next one, but she just needs to keep her eyes focused on her companion, who promises to lead her safely through and never leave her side in the process."
It happened again a few days later, adding another detail for the part of the journey I was on at that time. The rock I was on was a particularly hard one to navigate. So he showed me a picture of him carrying me through while I hid my face in his shoulder.
So that is the story of the journey. These other details, as I've already described, weren't revealed until I needed them days later. However, the story of the journey was not the only one God told me that night before school started.
The next picture I saw was a single stone, a building block, sitting on the ground. It was at eye level, because I was standing in a big hole that was cut into a rock. The stone was on the edge of the hole. It was wet with rain, and the wind was blowing against it. This was the beginning of a building, a house. It was being built on the rock with the hole. The hole itself was the foundation for the house. It was deep and well made. It would well support the structure above it.
God told me that I had been digging this deep foundation during my childhood and teen years. While I was working, deep in the hole, I had been sheltered from the storm that was raging outside. Now, however, was the time to be exposed to it. The foundation was laid, and it was time to start building the house. That first stone was the time I had already spent in college. I was about to lay another. And even though the wind was growing stronger and the rain was falling hard, my house would not fail because of the good foundation it had.
It is probably easy to understand that I felt very confident after all that. First, the story of the journey, where Jesus never leaves my side. Then, the story of the house, where the work I have put into establishing my faith will help me build through the storm. This confidence I felt was not self-confidence. It was confidence that God would lead me safely through, keep all his promises, and take good care of me.
And he has. I saw evidence of that the very next day, and the day after that, and every day since. All my school work has been getting done in time, as if by magic. I often feel as if I'm not doing anything. I just listen for his voice telling me my next step.
When I surrender now, it is no longer a scary prospect. It is a joy, because I know what awaits me on the other side. I am no longer perfect, and no longer am I trying to be. The best part is, I no longer have any reason to worry or fret, because God is in control. The wind and waves still know his name. This faith that I have in his ability, and in his love for me, give me the peace for which I have been searching for so long. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.
I have lost my perfection. I have found His peace.
I was in bed. Usually, at night, I tell myself a story to help me get to sleep. That night, however, God spoke to me. He said, "No, no, no. Tonight I'm telling you a story."
I was like, "Okay, that's pretty cool. What's it about?"
This is the story he told:
"Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a field of flowers (He was talking about me). At a very young age, she decided who it was she would follow. She followed Him on a path through the field for a while. She mostly watched the path, but sometimes she would look up to the One she was following. Every time she did, she came a little closer to Him. Lately, however, she's been focusing too much on where she places her feet. She wants each footstep fits perfectly into each of His (me and my perfectionism. I'd never thought of it that way before). Instead, she needs to look up and focus on the One who is creating those footsteps which she is following."
He wasn't exactly saying everything. It was mostly communicated with pictures, with Him narrating every so often. Like the gentle rebuke of how the little girl needs to focus more on the One she is following.
So the story continued, with the two of us leaving the field of flowers behind. The landscape changed to something more hard and rocky.
Eventually, we came to the top of a ridge, overlooking a dark valley. Here we stopped, I came alongside Him, and He took my hand. We looked down into the valley, where our path was heading next.
The path led down a steep slope, twisting and winding its way to the valley floor. On the other side stood a tall mountain that was soaking in sunshine. The valley itself was full of darkness. There was no light. There was, however, a village. And it was the village that held Jesus' gaze. As we looked down on this dark place, He spoke once more, this time about the path that lay ahead.
"It will not be pleasant, but the people down there are worth meeting."
I felt good, then. Calm. Resolved. I knew Jesus would be with me every step of the way, and that the darkness down there would not consume me. I would reach the mountain that lay on the other side, and climb back up to the light. But I would not regret taking the hard path along the way. God would use me as a light down there where there was none. He would be working in me, ministering to people who needed to see that light.
I realize now that it doesn't matter what happens after that. My job is to be a light. If they join me on the path, so be it. If not, then I will still have accomplished what needed to be done.
Anyway, that was where the story ended that night. This week, however, God added a couple more details:
It was bedtime on Labor Day. School for the week was starting the next day, Tuesday. I would only be in school for three days, because I don't have any classes on Fridays. However, despite that fact, I was discouraged. I didn't want to get up to an alarm again, didn't want to go to school. I didn't want to spend the energy interacting with my classmates.
This was partially because I had just finished my last break from school until Thanksgiving. Something about the fact that there's no break mid-semester made me feel trapped. So, I didn't want to school.
God reminded me of the story of the journey. He brought me back to the place where we had left off: the top of the hill. He then skipped ahead a little.
"Now the girl is on the decent, climbing down boulders, still holding the hand of the One she is following. She's letting Him guide and help her down each and every boulder (each boulder represented one week at school). Sometimes she balks at the steep drop to the next one, but she just needs to keep her eyes focused on her companion, who promises to lead her safely through and never leave her side in the process."
It happened again a few days later, adding another detail for the part of the journey I was on at that time. The rock I was on was a particularly hard one to navigate. So he showed me a picture of him carrying me through while I hid my face in his shoulder.
So that is the story of the journey. These other details, as I've already described, weren't revealed until I needed them days later. However, the story of the journey was not the only one God told me that night before school started.
The next picture I saw was a single stone, a building block, sitting on the ground. It was at eye level, because I was standing in a big hole that was cut into a rock. The stone was on the edge of the hole. It was wet with rain, and the wind was blowing against it. This was the beginning of a building, a house. It was being built on the rock with the hole. The hole itself was the foundation for the house. It was deep and well made. It would well support the structure above it.
God told me that I had been digging this deep foundation during my childhood and teen years. While I was working, deep in the hole, I had been sheltered from the storm that was raging outside. Now, however, was the time to be exposed to it. The foundation was laid, and it was time to start building the house. That first stone was the time I had already spent in college. I was about to lay another. And even though the wind was growing stronger and the rain was falling hard, my house would not fail because of the good foundation it had.
It is probably easy to understand that I felt very confident after all that. First, the story of the journey, where Jesus never leaves my side. Then, the story of the house, where the work I have put into establishing my faith will help me build through the storm. This confidence I felt was not self-confidence. It was confidence that God would lead me safely through, keep all his promises, and take good care of me.
And he has. I saw evidence of that the very next day, and the day after that, and every day since. All my school work has been getting done in time, as if by magic. I often feel as if I'm not doing anything. I just listen for his voice telling me my next step.
When I surrender now, it is no longer a scary prospect. It is a joy, because I know what awaits me on the other side. I am no longer perfect, and no longer am I trying to be. The best part is, I no longer have any reason to worry or fret, because God is in control. The wind and waves still know his name. This faith that I have in his ability, and in his love for me, give me the peace for which I have been searching for so long. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.
I have lost my perfection. I have found His peace.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Losing Perfection...
Warning: this post is a long one :)
This past spring semester in college, I was going through school by myself, for myself. I've since discovered that not asking God for directions is the same as ignoring his directions. I also discovered that that system does not work. Sure, I was "successful" in the sense that I got A's in all my 5 classes, and I currently hold a 4.0 GPA. But who cares, really? In the process, I was the most stressed out that I've ever been in my life. I was so worried about a perfect performance in school, I couldn't see how stressed I really was.
I couldn't bring myself to let go of control. I had found a system that worked. I was getting good grades. I was prepared for virtually every class. I was always on time, and so were all of my assignments. All my homework was as complete and impressive as I could make it. All in all, I was the perfect student.
But...
I was by myself all the time. I couldn't hear God's voice when I wanted to, because I was ignoring it when I didn't. The people around me got so used to not having me around, it got to the point where I felt I was ignored by everybody once I was with them. I could see I was changing, and I didn't like who it was who was coming out. I wasn't helpful, I was tired. I wasn't compassionate, I was distracted. I wanted to have fun, but there wasn't time. When there was time, it wasn't fun. I never got a break.
So I retreated. I sunk down into myself, put up a brave front, and soldiered on.
And dreaded fall semester.
That dread went up and down during summer break. Dance camp reminded me that I was seen and irreplaceable both to God and to those around me. A visit from a childhood friend reminded me that I do have friends who understand me, and who I can be myself around. My brother came back from a 5-month YWAM DTS, so my family was once again complete. God put different systems in my life to help me let go of the perfection that drove every aspect in my life. They were simple things, like not making myself brush my teeth for exactly 2 minutes every night.
Through many different circumstances, and through many morning quiet times, God reminded me of who I am; who I really am. While he did that, he also showed me anew who he is. My grip on dread loosened as I realized that he would take care of me.
One specific example of this happened in July. We were scheduled to go on a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park. The night before we left, I fell ill. I got a 102°F fever, and I was really dizzy whenever I stood up. The next morning, while I was waiting to go to urgent care and get meds, the hymn It is Well popped into my head. I realized then that whatever happened to me, it was all going to be okay. God was in control, he would take care of me, and he would never leave me.
I ended up missing the first three days of the trip while I recovered. I didn't mind, though.
One more thing that was awful about spring semester: I couldn't find peace. That was implied, I suppose, but it was a big deal to me. The specific fact that I could not enter God's rest was devastating. I was kept away from something that is the right of all of God's children. But it was me keeping myself away from it. I could feel the truth of that. In the back of my mind, God was asking me to surrender control to him. But in the front of my mind, I could see that I was getting the results that I desired.
Whenever I considered completely surrendering control, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff about to jump off. So I didn't.
Anyway, having the summer off really helped. I wasn't so stressed out, but that wasn't the same as having God's peace. I still had moments where I dreaded going back to school. The stress of spring semester was like a deep, black, swirling pit that waited to swallow me whole as soon as I let it.
But something God told me during Dance camp stuck with me all summer. Every time I faced that dread, he would tell it to me again. "What is in your past is not what I have planned for your future."
I also got a sense that I was supposed to wait. When the time came, he would present his solution.
That solution ended up being the same one that had been in the back of my head all of spring semester: surrender. Well, I did. I have. I am, and I will.
I surrendered during another camping trip, this one near Mt. Evans. It wasn't easy. It still felt like jumping off a cliff, at least until God intervened. He told me to read my poem Scales of Surrender, which you can find elsewhere in the Sunset Room.
When I read it, I felt free to let go of my offering, and take up the life of freedom. That way, it didn't feel like a freefall, it felt like an exchange. God told me to focus on what I was receiving, and let myself lose sight of what I was giving up.
That was about a week before school started back up again. Now, whenever I was worried about it (because I still was), I would surrender again. God would remind me that keeping up with school is not my responsibility anymore.
The story doesn't end there, because he did some really cool things the night before fall semester started. However, that post may well end up being almost as long as this one, so I'll put it to rest for now. Be watching for it.
I was going to name this post "Losing Perfection, Finding Peace." However, since the story is not quite finished yet, I'll leave off the other half until it is.
This past spring semester in college, I was going through school by myself, for myself. I've since discovered that not asking God for directions is the same as ignoring his directions. I also discovered that that system does not work. Sure, I was "successful" in the sense that I got A's in all my 5 classes, and I currently hold a 4.0 GPA. But who cares, really? In the process, I was the most stressed out that I've ever been in my life. I was so worried about a perfect performance in school, I couldn't see how stressed I really was.
I couldn't bring myself to let go of control. I had found a system that worked. I was getting good grades. I was prepared for virtually every class. I was always on time, and so were all of my assignments. All my homework was as complete and impressive as I could make it. All in all, I was the perfect student.
But...
I was by myself all the time. I couldn't hear God's voice when I wanted to, because I was ignoring it when I didn't. The people around me got so used to not having me around, it got to the point where I felt I was ignored by everybody once I was with them. I could see I was changing, and I didn't like who it was who was coming out. I wasn't helpful, I was tired. I wasn't compassionate, I was distracted. I wanted to have fun, but there wasn't time. When there was time, it wasn't fun. I never got a break.
So I retreated. I sunk down into myself, put up a brave front, and soldiered on.
And dreaded fall semester.
That dread went up and down during summer break. Dance camp reminded me that I was seen and irreplaceable both to God and to those around me. A visit from a childhood friend reminded me that I do have friends who understand me, and who I can be myself around. My brother came back from a 5-month YWAM DTS, so my family was once again complete. God put different systems in my life to help me let go of the perfection that drove every aspect in my life. They were simple things, like not making myself brush my teeth for exactly 2 minutes every night.
Through many different circumstances, and through many morning quiet times, God reminded me of who I am; who I really am. While he did that, he also showed me anew who he is. My grip on dread loosened as I realized that he would take care of me.
One specific example of this happened in July. We were scheduled to go on a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park. The night before we left, I fell ill. I got a 102°F fever, and I was really dizzy whenever I stood up. The next morning, while I was waiting to go to urgent care and get meds, the hymn It is Well popped into my head. I realized then that whatever happened to me, it was all going to be okay. God was in control, he would take care of me, and he would never leave me.
I ended up missing the first three days of the trip while I recovered. I didn't mind, though.
One more thing that was awful about spring semester: I couldn't find peace. That was implied, I suppose, but it was a big deal to me. The specific fact that I could not enter God's rest was devastating. I was kept away from something that is the right of all of God's children. But it was me keeping myself away from it. I could feel the truth of that. In the back of my mind, God was asking me to surrender control to him. But in the front of my mind, I could see that I was getting the results that I desired.
Whenever I considered completely surrendering control, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff about to jump off. So I didn't.
Anyway, having the summer off really helped. I wasn't so stressed out, but that wasn't the same as having God's peace. I still had moments where I dreaded going back to school. The stress of spring semester was like a deep, black, swirling pit that waited to swallow me whole as soon as I let it.
But something God told me during Dance camp stuck with me all summer. Every time I faced that dread, he would tell it to me again. "What is in your past is not what I have planned for your future."
I also got a sense that I was supposed to wait. When the time came, he would present his solution.
That solution ended up being the same one that had been in the back of my head all of spring semester: surrender. Well, I did. I have. I am, and I will.
I surrendered during another camping trip, this one near Mt. Evans. It wasn't easy. It still felt like jumping off a cliff, at least until God intervened. He told me to read my poem Scales of Surrender, which you can find elsewhere in the Sunset Room.
When I read it, I felt free to let go of my offering, and take up the life of freedom. That way, it didn't feel like a freefall, it felt like an exchange. God told me to focus on what I was receiving, and let myself lose sight of what I was giving up.
That was about a week before school started back up again. Now, whenever I was worried about it (because I still was), I would surrender again. God would remind me that keeping up with school is not my responsibility anymore.
The story doesn't end there, because he did some really cool things the night before fall semester started. However, that post may well end up being almost as long as this one, so I'll put it to rest for now. Be watching for it.
I was going to name this post "Losing Perfection, Finding Peace." However, since the story is not quite finished yet, I'll leave off the other half until it is.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Precious Treasure, Beautiful Pearl
"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."
Matthew 13:44-46
In Sunday school class growing up, I learned about this parable. I was taught that it meant that the kingdom of heaven is so valuable, that it is worth giving up everything I have and am in order to find it and obtain it.
This is certainly true. After all, no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has conceived what God has in store for those who love him (1 Corinthians 2:9); and if we seek first the kingdom of heaven, all things that we may strive to get for ourselves will be given to us as well (Matthew 6:33).
However, this morning when I read Matthew 13:44-46, another side to that coin was shown to me. Instead of seeing myself digging in a field or browsing a jewelry shop, I saw Jesus doing those things. This morning, instead of being the merchant, I was the pearl. Jesus gave up everything he owned in order to purchase me. I, along with all the other members of the Church (and therefore, the Kingdom), was a treasure cache of greatest value.
This is one thing that I love about Jesus' parables. There are so many different angles to them, so many new things to see. It's mornings like these when I am glad that I still read that story that I've read and heard a hundred times. Just because I have one picture of it in my head, doesn't mean that picture is complete.
The point of all this is, we are all so precious. Jesus Christ thinks we are the most precious of things. If we are willing to accept it, it can grow to be very personal as well. As in, you personally are the pearl that Jesus saw. You inspired him to go and sell everything he had, to do whatever it took to obtain you.
That is what happened first. Now, he inspires us to give up everything we have and do whatever it takes to obtain him. It is such a beautiful cycle. Only love can see things this way. Love transcends every other desire.
But now I know it goes both ways. Thank you, Jesus.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."
Matthew 13:44-46
In Sunday school class growing up, I learned about this parable. I was taught that it meant that the kingdom of heaven is so valuable, that it is worth giving up everything I have and am in order to find it and obtain it.
This is certainly true. After all, no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has conceived what God has in store for those who love him (1 Corinthians 2:9); and if we seek first the kingdom of heaven, all things that we may strive to get for ourselves will be given to us as well (Matthew 6:33).
However, this morning when I read Matthew 13:44-46, another side to that coin was shown to me. Instead of seeing myself digging in a field or browsing a jewelry shop, I saw Jesus doing those things. This morning, instead of being the merchant, I was the pearl. Jesus gave up everything he owned in order to purchase me. I, along with all the other members of the Church (and therefore, the Kingdom), was a treasure cache of greatest value.
This is one thing that I love about Jesus' parables. There are so many different angles to them, so many new things to see. It's mornings like these when I am glad that I still read that story that I've read and heard a hundred times. Just because I have one picture of it in my head, doesn't mean that picture is complete.
The point of all this is, we are all so precious. Jesus Christ thinks we are the most precious of things. If we are willing to accept it, it can grow to be very personal as well. As in, you personally are the pearl that Jesus saw. You inspired him to go and sell everything he had, to do whatever it took to obtain you.
That is what happened first. Now, he inspires us to give up everything we have and do whatever it takes to obtain him. It is such a beautiful cycle. Only love can see things this way. Love transcends every other desire.
But now I know it goes both ways. Thank you, Jesus.
Monday, July 13, 2015
War
I am realizing more and more that there is an all-out war going on. I'm posting this because we can't fight a battle that we don't know exists.
This war is being waged for the next generation--my generation. Our Enemy is doing his very best to make sure that we never see God's light. He's not taking it easy on us, starting before we are even born, before we have a chance to breathe. He succeeds at killing 3,000 unborn children in the US every single day.
If we are lucky enough to be born, he attacks us with poverty, disease, and slavery. If we make it through that, or if we are not exposed to it, he comes at us with depression, abuse, self-entitlement/"rights", the love of money, and complacency.
In short, Satan is doing everything in his power to keep youth from entering, and especially from advancing, God's kingdom. However, I have the feeling that there is a reason for his efforts. That reason is this: we are powerful. After all, who has the most potential? Unborn children. Who are the ones who will rebel and stand against him? Teenagers.
There is just one problem with his little plan: God. What Satan intends for harm, God uses for good. Satan is afraid of us because we are so strong. But when we stand through the trials and temptations that he throws at us in response to his fear, we become stronger. This is because God is not giving up on us. I believe that He is raising up a generation that is able to stand for Him even as the world draws to a close and collapses around us.
But we can't stand alone. We need people who are willing to teach us, trust us, and support us. We need to be taught how to cling to God no matter what; how to find ourselves and our role in Him. We need to be trusted with positions of leadership so that we know that we are capable, functioning members of the church, and that we are able to carry it onward into the next century. We need to be supported in this war we are in; to know that we are not facing it alone.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." ~Ephesians 6:10-13
"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." ~Ephesians 6:19-20
"I write to you, dear children, because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.
I write to you, fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men, because you have overcome the evil one.
I write to you, dear children, because you have known the Father.
I write to you, fathers, because you have known him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one." ~1 John 2:12-14
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Chewing on Ears
I haven't been posting much lately, not because I haven't been learning anything, but because the things I'm learning are the sort of things that take longer to learn. There are some steps that God wants me to take in my life that get rid of some big habits of mine. The biggest one is that together God and I are trying to get rid of my cynical attitude and sense of humor. This includes the snide comments I make and the judgments that I make about people in my head. Unfortunately, I have made a habit of these things. However, to help me get rid of them, I think I'll post something that I wrote a few years ago. But first, I want to add some back story.
For a while, I dreamed about owning and running a dog training school, where we have dog-themed devotionals before each class. So I started stock-piling lessons that I have learned about being a Christian by observing my dogs. This is one of those lessons.
One night, my two dogs, Dixie and Mystery, were going through their regular bedtime routine. They had just been outside and were on the way to their kennels, where they sleep.
Now, when given a command, Dixie is usually the first one of the two to obey it. When I call them in from the yard, Dixie comes running in the back door. But when she reaches it, she turns around and looks to see that Mystery is coming too. Then, as I keep calling Mystery in, Dixie runs back out and, being a shepherd, starts to chew on Mystery's ears and ankles while they run inside together. But she often throws Mystery off course before they reach me.
On this particular night, my dad had told the dogs to go to bed, and Dixie rushed up the stairs, but waited at the top. She then proceeded to follow Mystery into the room, chewing on her ears the whole time. This made it so that Mystery made it into her kennel first. I turned to my mom and remarked that even though Mystery is usually slower at responding to commands, she is usually the first one to actually obey.
Then I had the thought that that remark probably had some spiritual parallel/application. So I thought some more about it, and realized what it was.
As Christians, we are usually fast to grow in one area of the faith or another. But sometimes when we're growing, we hinder our own growth and someone else's by judging them and trying to fix what we think they should improve on. That is kind of like when Dixie obeys me really quickly, but then turns back and starts shoving Mystery off course while trying to shepherd her towards me.
Jesus talked about this problem, too. In Matthew 7:3-5 and in Luke 6:41-42, He rebukes people for trying to get a speck of dust out of their brothers' eyes, while all the time they had planks in their own. His point was, don't try to fix the sins that you perceive in your fellow Christians until you have repented for your own.
Therefore, when we feel like giving advice to our brothers and sisters about how they can get further along the path they're on, especially if that advice wasn't asked for, we need to pray and ask God if that is his plan, or if we would just be hindering our fellow's progress like Dixie does.
One night, my two dogs, Dixie and Mystery, were going through their regular bedtime routine. They had just been outside and were on the way to their kennels, where they sleep.
Now, when given a command, Dixie is usually the first one of the two to obey it. When I call them in from the yard, Dixie comes running in the back door. But when she reaches it, she turns around and looks to see that Mystery is coming too. Then, as I keep calling Mystery in, Dixie runs back out and, being a shepherd, starts to chew on Mystery's ears and ankles while they run inside together. But she often throws Mystery off course before they reach me.
On this particular night, my dad had told the dogs to go to bed, and Dixie rushed up the stairs, but waited at the top. She then proceeded to follow Mystery into the room, chewing on her ears the whole time. This made it so that Mystery made it into her kennel first. I turned to my mom and remarked that even though Mystery is usually slower at responding to commands, she is usually the first one to actually obey.
Then I had the thought that that remark probably had some spiritual parallel/application. So I thought some more about it, and realized what it was.
As Christians, we are usually fast to grow in one area of the faith or another. But sometimes when we're growing, we hinder our own growth and someone else's by judging them and trying to fix what we think they should improve on. That is kind of like when Dixie obeys me really quickly, but then turns back and starts shoving Mystery off course while trying to shepherd her towards me.
Jesus talked about this problem, too. In Matthew 7:3-5 and in Luke 6:41-42, He rebukes people for trying to get a speck of dust out of their brothers' eyes, while all the time they had planks in their own. His point was, don't try to fix the sins that you perceive in your fellow Christians until you have repented for your own.
Therefore, when we feel like giving advice to our brothers and sisters about how they can get further along the path they're on, especially if that advice wasn't asked for, we need to pray and ask God if that is his plan, or if we would just be hindering our fellow's progress like Dixie does.
Journey of Faith- A Word from God
Every couple of weeks, there's a prophet named Howard who visits my church with his wife. I have learned that every time he shows up, it is because God has a message for my church and wants him to give it. He usually gives it during worship, and I have discovered that God tells me it is about to happen a few moments in advance.
All this happened this past Sunday, the 5th. This time, however, God told me that the message was about to be told, and instructed me to get out my phone and record it. So I did.
Yesterday (Monday), I listened to the recording and wrote down what was spoken. It is very encouraging, so I wanted to share it with you all. Here it is:
The very existance, the very DNA of God is love. He has loved you with an everlasting love.
He will never let you go. As long as you trust in him he will surely bring you through this life's journey.
He says to you, "Be joyful as you take the journey through life. In good times; through difficulties and times of great joy and high places. And I am with you always no matter what you face. So take this journey in faith, knowing that the Lord your God is the author and finisher of your faith. And he will bring you through no matter what goes on in this world. You are a free people, you've been set free by the power, and the might, and the glory of God.
You're his children. You are different. The world hates you because it hated me. But be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. And I have given you faith to be persistent, and to keep your eye upon the destination as you journey through life. Be not discouraged or dismayed with the things, the dark things that will come upon this earth. For have I not said that they would happen, and I told you before they would happen so that you would know and prepare yourself.
So be not dismayed. The things that you see, and the things that will happen. But keep journeying on in faith, and love, and in kindness. And be kind one to another and love one another. And keep pressing toward the mark.
For I have overcome, and I have made you overcomers as you keep your eye on the great city that I have prepared for you. For it will be yours soon. And the worlds of this kingdom will become the Lord's. So rejoice! For the Lord is still in control over all things!" Amen, amen, amen (this is how Howard finishes all is prophecies).
All this happened this past Sunday, the 5th. This time, however, God told me that the message was about to be told, and instructed me to get out my phone and record it. So I did.
Yesterday (Monday), I listened to the recording and wrote down what was spoken. It is very encouraging, so I wanted to share it with you all. Here it is:
The very existance, the very DNA of God is love. He has loved you with an everlasting love.
He will never let you go. As long as you trust in him he will surely bring you through this life's journey.
He says to you, "Be joyful as you take the journey through life. In good times; through difficulties and times of great joy and high places. And I am with you always no matter what you face. So take this journey in faith, knowing that the Lord your God is the author and finisher of your faith. And he will bring you through no matter what goes on in this world. You are a free people, you've been set free by the power, and the might, and the glory of God.
You're his children. You are different. The world hates you because it hated me. But be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. And I have given you faith to be persistent, and to keep your eye upon the destination as you journey through life. Be not discouraged or dismayed with the things, the dark things that will come upon this earth. For have I not said that they would happen, and I told you before they would happen so that you would know and prepare yourself.
So be not dismayed. The things that you see, and the things that will happen. But keep journeying on in faith, and love, and in kindness. And be kind one to another and love one another. And keep pressing toward the mark.
For I have overcome, and I have made you overcomers as you keep your eye on the great city that I have prepared for you. For it will be yours soon. And the worlds of this kingdom will become the Lord's. So rejoice! For the Lord is still in control over all things!" Amen, amen, amen (this is how Howard finishes all is prophecies).
Monday, June 15, 2015
Opened Eyes
This week I am participating in a dance camp put on by Celebration Ministry of Arts. The focus of the week is El Roi: The God Who Sees. The devotional is covering the story of Hagar, Sarah's Egyptian servant.
At one part of the story, Hagar is kicked out of Abraham's household and wanders the wilderness with her son, Ishmael. They run out of supplies, and so Hagar puts her son under a bush and walks away so that she doesn't have to see him die. But after a little while, an angel appears to her and says that he has heard the boy crying, and tells her not to be afraid because he will make Ishmael into a great nation.
After this, the Bible says that God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water.
When I was reading the story, I thought that part was interesting, but I didn't dive very deep into it. Then, during worship the next morning, we sang the song Open the Eyes of My Heart, and it reminded me of what I had read. Then I also remembered the story of Elisha, when he asks for his servant's eyes to be opened, and his servant saw the hills filled with horses and chariots of fire.
That got me curious about what other times the Bible talks about somebody's eyes being opened. So I looked it up. Here are the occurrences I found that used the words "eyes opened":
1. Verse: Genesis 3:7 Person: Adam and Eve What they saw: Their shame
"Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves."
2. Verse: Genesis 21:19 Person: Hagar What she saw: a well in the wilderness
"Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink."
3. Verse: Numbers 22:31 Person: Balaam What he saw: An angel of wrath
"Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown."
4. Verse: 2 Kings 4:35 Person: the Shunammite's son What he saw: Elisha, who raised him from death
"Elisha turned away and walked back and forth in the room and then got on the bed and stretched out upon him once more. The boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes."
5. Verse: 2 Kings 6:17 Person: Elisha's servant What he saw: Hills filled with horses and chariots of fire
"And Elisha prayed, 'O Lord, open his eyes so he may see.' Then the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha."
6. Verse: 2 Kings 6:20 Person: Aramean army What they saw: They were in their enemy's capital city.
"After they entered the city, Elisha said, 'Lord, open the eyes of these men so they can see.' Then the Lord opened their eyes and they looked, and there they were, inside Samaria."
7. Verse: Mark 8:25 Person: Blind man What he saw: Jesus
"Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly
8. Verse: Luke 24:31 Person: Two disciples What they saw: That the stranger on the road was Jesus.
"Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight."
9. Verse: Acts 9:40 Person: Tabitha What she saw: Peter, who raised her from death.
"Peter sent them all out of the room; then he got down on his knees and prayed. Turning toward the dead woman, he said, 'Tabitha, get up.' She opened her eyes, and seeing Peter she sat up."
These are the nine occurrences. Some of them were bad, some were good. Most of them were very different, so it may be hard to find a pattern.
The only pattern I could see was that each time someone's eyes were opened, their life was changed. When it happened to Adam and Eve, it changed the world. With Hagar, the Shunammite's son, and Tabitha, their lives were saved or given back to them. With Balaam and the Aramean army, they saw pending doom. With the two disciples, they saw the risen Savior for the first time. With Elisha's servant, he saw deliverance from his enemies. Finally, with the blind man, he saw Jesus. He was so excited that Jesus had to tell him to stay away from the village on his way home.
So the lesson here is that when God opens your eyes, your life is about to change dramatically.
At one part of the story, Hagar is kicked out of Abraham's household and wanders the wilderness with her son, Ishmael. They run out of supplies, and so Hagar puts her son under a bush and walks away so that she doesn't have to see him die. But after a little while, an angel appears to her and says that he has heard the boy crying, and tells her not to be afraid because he will make Ishmael into a great nation.
After this, the Bible says that God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water.
When I was reading the story, I thought that part was interesting, but I didn't dive very deep into it. Then, during worship the next morning, we sang the song Open the Eyes of My Heart, and it reminded me of what I had read. Then I also remembered the story of Elisha, when he asks for his servant's eyes to be opened, and his servant saw the hills filled with horses and chariots of fire.
That got me curious about what other times the Bible talks about somebody's eyes being opened. So I looked it up. Here are the occurrences I found that used the words "eyes opened":
1. Verse: Genesis 3:7 Person: Adam and Eve What they saw: Their shame
"Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves."
2. Verse: Genesis 21:19 Person: Hagar What she saw: a well in the wilderness
"Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink."
3. Verse: Numbers 22:31 Person: Balaam What he saw: An angel of wrath
"Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the road with his sword drawn. So he bowed low and fell facedown."
4. Verse: 2 Kings 4:35 Person: the Shunammite's son What he saw: Elisha, who raised him from death
"Elisha turned away and walked back and forth in the room and then got on the bed and stretched out upon him once more. The boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes."
5. Verse: 2 Kings 6:17 Person: Elisha's servant What he saw: Hills filled with horses and chariots of fire
"And Elisha prayed, 'O Lord, open his eyes so he may see.' Then the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha."
6. Verse: 2 Kings 6:20 Person: Aramean army What they saw: They were in their enemy's capital city.
"After they entered the city, Elisha said, 'Lord, open the eyes of these men so they can see.' Then the Lord opened their eyes and they looked, and there they were, inside Samaria."
7. Verse: Mark 8:25 Person: Blind man What he saw: Jesus
"Once more Jesus put his hands on the man's eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly
8. Verse: Luke 24:31 Person: Two disciples What they saw: That the stranger on the road was Jesus.
"Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight."
9. Verse: Acts 9:40 Person: Tabitha What she saw: Peter, who raised her from death.
"Peter sent them all out of the room; then he got down on his knees and prayed. Turning toward the dead woman, he said, 'Tabitha, get up.' She opened her eyes, and seeing Peter she sat up."
These are the nine occurrences. Some of them were bad, some were good. Most of them were very different, so it may be hard to find a pattern.
The only pattern I could see was that each time someone's eyes were opened, their life was changed. When it happened to Adam and Eve, it changed the world. With Hagar, the Shunammite's son, and Tabitha, their lives were saved or given back to them. With Balaam and the Aramean army, they saw pending doom. With the two disciples, they saw the risen Savior for the first time. With Elisha's servant, he saw deliverance from his enemies. Finally, with the blind man, he saw Jesus. He was so excited that Jesus had to tell him to stay away from the village on his way home.
So the lesson here is that when God opens your eyes, your life is about to change dramatically.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Jesus Acid
This is another poem I wrote as dance homework. It tells a story that I tell in detail later on in the post. It's kind of long, but I think there's someone out there who needs to hear the whole story.
Jesus Acid
Let me tell you a story
One that is true
About a normal young girl
Like me and you
She lived as a slave
Though she didn't know
She was trapped in a cell
With an open door
Her cell was her guilt
About every-day things
She thought she was wrong
To dream certain dreams
She knew it was ordinary
For girls of her age
To think what she thought
But she still was a slave
You see, she held higher standards
For herself than for others
But she couldn't hold up
Under the yoke she was under
She knew all of this
And thought in her heart
I'll ask God for help
He'll give me new start
But here, too, she blundered
For she was so used to control
She thought she'd get help
But do the rest on her own
So she was trapped in her cell
Held fast by her chain
The door stood wide open
But she forced herself to stay
For years she fought hard
Against every temptation
But each system failed
Driving her to aggravation
At last! She let go
She prayed, "God I give up!
I don't know what's wrong
And I've emptied my cup
Please show me where I've strayed
I can't do this anymore
Tell me what needs to be fixed
So my joy is restored!"
And ever so kindly
He calmed her right down
He said, "Wait till tomorrow
At church you'll find out."
And boy, did she ever
For a prophetess spoke
And showed her the picture
Of her heavy yoke
She showed her the cell
She showed her the chain
God said, "It all can be gone
If you'll trust in my name
This chain holds you back
By you it can't be unfastened
What you really need
Is some Jesus acid
The acid breaks down the chain
By it you'll be free
And each drop is a thought
You've committed to me"
She didn't know what to think
Didn't want to give up
But she did let them go
Drop by drop
And as she did, she felt lighter
And not so condemned
As she found her best power
Was resting in God's hands
So now when she's tempted
Or weighed down by her guilt
She asks God for more acid
To break the new chain she built
This girl, she was a slave
But now she is free
And I know this story's true
Because that girl is me
I don't know if you caught the whole story, but basically I struggle with guilt a lot for two reasons. First, I hold high standards for my own behavior. Second, I sometimes believe the lie that I have to earn God's favor.
This poem is about a specific time when I struggled a lot with controlling my thoughts, especially towards boys. The more I tried to shut out inappropriate or sinful thoughts (or thoughts that I believed were wrong), the less successful I was. But I refused to surrender to God, basically because I didn't trust him. It felt like if I let go of control, there would be nothing stopping the sin from coming in. So I pretty much tried to live a godly life without God's help.
The part in the poem where I "thought I was wrong to dream certain dreams" points to a specific crush that I had during this time. Ever since I was twelve, my Mom had told me to avoid getting crushes because when you dream of being with someone, you are creating unrealistic expectations. Not only is it possible for you to never end up dating or marrying that person, and so set yourself up for a big disappointment; but even if you do end up with that person, your life together will never be what you pictured.
I still believe this to be wise advice. However, being the perfectionist that I am, I think I took it too far. Any time I felt anything positive towards any boy (even if it was just friendship), especially the object of my crush, this huge weight of guilt would come crashing down on me. Looking back, I realize that I was being accused, not disciplined. The difference being that that weight of guilt consisted of a reminder of all the times I had felt that good feeling before. God doesn't work like that, because love keeps no record of wrongs. I had already repented of those things many times, and I continued to repent every time it happened again. I just couldn't find a feeling of forgiveness.
So I continued on, feeling trapped. I didn't feel worthy of God's favor, and as I said earlier, I felt like I could only accept help from him; that he couldn't take care of my whole problem or that I was supposed to deal with most of it on my own. That was a lie.
This went on for about two years, getting progressively worse. I got to the point where I didn't like church. I still went, because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I almost hated it. Tasting the presence of God reminded me of my guilt. I couldn't hear his voice clearly, so I was second-guessing myself all the time. I thought I was "called" to do everything that came up. I couldn't get into worship because it felt like a performance. I couldn't stand sermons because they reminded me of yet another aspect of Christianity that I should be working on improving.
Take a good look. This is the look of a life that tries to be a Christian, but without surrendering to or trusting Christ. I am seriously surprised that I wasn't miserable all of the time, and I think that if it weren't for God's grace, I would have been. I started questioning whether or not I had the Holy Spirit, probably because I simply didn't trust myself to hear him. I was being so accosted with lies that I didn't trust any voice that I heard. I started feeling depressed. It wasn't bad, but it was miserable. I had trouble falling asleep, because I refused to let go of my conscious thought, which was the only thing keeping the sinful thoughts from entering.
I would come up with systems to keep the thoughts out. They were usually successful for a while, but none of them were able to last for more than a couple of days.
Saturday nights were especially bad, because I was reminded that I had to go to church the next morning. One of those nights, I was just fed up. I was sick and tired of doing it alone. (Well, I wasn't doing it alone exactly. I did a lot of talking with my Mom, and she helped me with wading through the lies that were in my head). So I prayed. I told God that I didn't know what was wrong, I was giving up on trying so hard. I told him that he'd better do something quick. I could feel myself sinking further, and I finally acknowledged that he was the only one who could stop me.
Just like the poem said, God calmed me right down. He poured his peace into my heart and just let me know that he was there. He said to pay attention in church the next morning, because someone would speak about me and tell me what to do. I think he knew how much I would second-guess myself if he spoke to me directly.
So when a prophetess from my church started speaking during worship the next day, I saw it coming and I listened. She said she could see someone in a prison cell who, no matter how much they struggled, couldn't escape. I knew she was talking about me. She said the cell door was open the whole time, but I couldn't leave because I had chained myself to the wall. I kept trying ad trying to leave the cell through the open door, but my chain held me back. She said that Jesus is someone who breaks chains and sets captives free. All I had to do was trust the Holy Spirit.
I sat there, and I felt like I'd been struck by lightning. That was all I had to do? Trust the Holy Spirit? It sounded like so little, but it felt like so much. I didn't know how. God showed me a way, though. Every time I felt one of those dreaded thoughts coming, instead of tensing up, I would relax. I would redirect the thought up to God's control. I would picture watching it pass by and go up a tube of light. And without fail, every time I pictured it and let it go, another picture would follow. I would see Jesus coming into my cell with a jar of acid, and I'd see him drop a drop on the chain. The chain would react by burning away and going up in smoke. Each thought I gave to God made the chain a little weaker. I tried the system for a few days, waiting for it to stop working, but it never did. I felt free for the first time in years. I had peace and joy again.
So why am I telling you this? Every so often while I've been writing I've hesitated to put in a detail or two. Those of you who know me, and knew me while this was going on (ages 15ish-17) will probably be surprised to hear about it. After all, all you could probably see was the sweet, responsible, girl who was always willing to be of service and always greeted people with a smile. You never knew about it for two reasons. First, I wasn't feeling like that all the time. It would mostly hit at bedtime. So I really was happy to help and happy to see you. Second, I don't like to feel vulnerable, which is also who I hesitated to put in a few of those details. Even my Mom, who became my confidante in all this, didn't know the whole picture. That was partially because I didn't see exactly what was happening until it was over, and partially because I didn't want to tell her.
I'm telling you this story hopefully to encourage you. Part of my encouragement to you is this: my story isn't over. What I mean is, I haven't reached my happy ending yet. I still struggle with guilt, with trusting God, and with control vs surrender. However, I now know that there is no condemnation for me, and that I can boldly approach the throne of grace. I have also built up a recognition of those lies that had me trapped for so long, much like the human body builds up immunity by remembering the diseases that has attacked it before. Hopefully, by reading my story and knowing what I've been through, you may find a way to trust God with what you deal with. You may also be fed the same lies I am, and only now recognize them for what they are. I don't know how it will help, but God tells me that it will. God knows exactly what each individual person is going through, even if that person doesn't. And if I have played a part in the healing or encouraging process by sharing my story, I will consider it all worthwhile, even the pain itself that I went through.
If you have questions or comments, you can leave them below or e-mail me, Facebook message me, or something like that. Sorry it was so long, I don't blame you if you didn't read it ;)
Jesus Acid
Let me tell you a story
One that is true
About a normal young girl
Like me and you
She lived as a slave
Though she didn't know
She was trapped in a cell
With an open door
Her cell was her guilt
About every-day things
She thought she was wrong
To dream certain dreams
She knew it was ordinary
For girls of her age
To think what she thought
But she still was a slave
You see, she held higher standards
For herself than for others
But she couldn't hold up
Under the yoke she was under
She knew all of this
And thought in her heart
I'll ask God for help
He'll give me new start
But here, too, she blundered
For she was so used to control
She thought she'd get help
But do the rest on her own
So she was trapped in her cell
Held fast by her chain
The door stood wide open
But she forced herself to stay
For years she fought hard
Against every temptation
But each system failed
Driving her to aggravation
At last! She let go
She prayed, "God I give up!
I don't know what's wrong
And I've emptied my cup
Please show me where I've strayed
I can't do this anymore
Tell me what needs to be fixed
So my joy is restored!"
And ever so kindly
He calmed her right down
He said, "Wait till tomorrow
At church you'll find out."
And boy, did she ever
For a prophetess spoke
And showed her the picture
Of her heavy yoke
She showed her the cell
She showed her the chain
God said, "It all can be gone
If you'll trust in my name
This chain holds you back
By you it can't be unfastened
What you really need
Is some Jesus acid
The acid breaks down the chain
By it you'll be free
And each drop is a thought
You've committed to me"
She didn't know what to think
Didn't want to give up
But she did let them go
Drop by drop
And as she did, she felt lighter
And not so condemned
As she found her best power
Was resting in God's hands
So now when she's tempted
Or weighed down by her guilt
She asks God for more acid
To break the new chain she built
This girl, she was a slave
But now she is free
And I know this story's true
Because that girl is me
I don't know if you caught the whole story, but basically I struggle with guilt a lot for two reasons. First, I hold high standards for my own behavior. Second, I sometimes believe the lie that I have to earn God's favor.
This poem is about a specific time when I struggled a lot with controlling my thoughts, especially towards boys. The more I tried to shut out inappropriate or sinful thoughts (or thoughts that I believed were wrong), the less successful I was. But I refused to surrender to God, basically because I didn't trust him. It felt like if I let go of control, there would be nothing stopping the sin from coming in. So I pretty much tried to live a godly life without God's help.
The part in the poem where I "thought I was wrong to dream certain dreams" points to a specific crush that I had during this time. Ever since I was twelve, my Mom had told me to avoid getting crushes because when you dream of being with someone, you are creating unrealistic expectations. Not only is it possible for you to never end up dating or marrying that person, and so set yourself up for a big disappointment; but even if you do end up with that person, your life together will never be what you pictured.
I still believe this to be wise advice. However, being the perfectionist that I am, I think I took it too far. Any time I felt anything positive towards any boy (even if it was just friendship), especially the object of my crush, this huge weight of guilt would come crashing down on me. Looking back, I realize that I was being accused, not disciplined. The difference being that that weight of guilt consisted of a reminder of all the times I had felt that good feeling before. God doesn't work like that, because love keeps no record of wrongs. I had already repented of those things many times, and I continued to repent every time it happened again. I just couldn't find a feeling of forgiveness.
So I continued on, feeling trapped. I didn't feel worthy of God's favor, and as I said earlier, I felt like I could only accept help from him; that he couldn't take care of my whole problem or that I was supposed to deal with most of it on my own. That was a lie.
This went on for about two years, getting progressively worse. I got to the point where I didn't like church. I still went, because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I almost hated it. Tasting the presence of God reminded me of my guilt. I couldn't hear his voice clearly, so I was second-guessing myself all the time. I thought I was "called" to do everything that came up. I couldn't get into worship because it felt like a performance. I couldn't stand sermons because they reminded me of yet another aspect of Christianity that I should be working on improving.
Take a good look. This is the look of a life that tries to be a Christian, but without surrendering to or trusting Christ. I am seriously surprised that I wasn't miserable all of the time, and I think that if it weren't for God's grace, I would have been. I started questioning whether or not I had the Holy Spirit, probably because I simply didn't trust myself to hear him. I was being so accosted with lies that I didn't trust any voice that I heard. I started feeling depressed. It wasn't bad, but it was miserable. I had trouble falling asleep, because I refused to let go of my conscious thought, which was the only thing keeping the sinful thoughts from entering.
I would come up with systems to keep the thoughts out. They were usually successful for a while, but none of them were able to last for more than a couple of days.
Saturday nights were especially bad, because I was reminded that I had to go to church the next morning. One of those nights, I was just fed up. I was sick and tired of doing it alone. (Well, I wasn't doing it alone exactly. I did a lot of talking with my Mom, and she helped me with wading through the lies that were in my head). So I prayed. I told God that I didn't know what was wrong, I was giving up on trying so hard. I told him that he'd better do something quick. I could feel myself sinking further, and I finally acknowledged that he was the only one who could stop me.
Just like the poem said, God calmed me right down. He poured his peace into my heart and just let me know that he was there. He said to pay attention in church the next morning, because someone would speak about me and tell me what to do. I think he knew how much I would second-guess myself if he spoke to me directly.
So when a prophetess from my church started speaking during worship the next day, I saw it coming and I listened. She said she could see someone in a prison cell who, no matter how much they struggled, couldn't escape. I knew she was talking about me. She said the cell door was open the whole time, but I couldn't leave because I had chained myself to the wall. I kept trying ad trying to leave the cell through the open door, but my chain held me back. She said that Jesus is someone who breaks chains and sets captives free. All I had to do was trust the Holy Spirit.
I sat there, and I felt like I'd been struck by lightning. That was all I had to do? Trust the Holy Spirit? It sounded like so little, but it felt like so much. I didn't know how. God showed me a way, though. Every time I felt one of those dreaded thoughts coming, instead of tensing up, I would relax. I would redirect the thought up to God's control. I would picture watching it pass by and go up a tube of light. And without fail, every time I pictured it and let it go, another picture would follow. I would see Jesus coming into my cell with a jar of acid, and I'd see him drop a drop on the chain. The chain would react by burning away and going up in smoke. Each thought I gave to God made the chain a little weaker. I tried the system for a few days, waiting for it to stop working, but it never did. I felt free for the first time in years. I had peace and joy again.
So why am I telling you this? Every so often while I've been writing I've hesitated to put in a detail or two. Those of you who know me, and knew me while this was going on (ages 15ish-17) will probably be surprised to hear about it. After all, all you could probably see was the sweet, responsible, girl who was always willing to be of service and always greeted people with a smile. You never knew about it for two reasons. First, I wasn't feeling like that all the time. It would mostly hit at bedtime. So I really was happy to help and happy to see you. Second, I don't like to feel vulnerable, which is also who I hesitated to put in a few of those details. Even my Mom, who became my confidante in all this, didn't know the whole picture. That was partially because I didn't see exactly what was happening until it was over, and partially because I didn't want to tell her.
I'm telling you this story hopefully to encourage you. Part of my encouragement to you is this: my story isn't over. What I mean is, I haven't reached my happy ending yet. I still struggle with guilt, with trusting God, and with control vs surrender. However, I now know that there is no condemnation for me, and that I can boldly approach the throne of grace. I have also built up a recognition of those lies that had me trapped for so long, much like the human body builds up immunity by remembering the diseases that has attacked it before. Hopefully, by reading my story and knowing what I've been through, you may find a way to trust God with what you deal with. You may also be fed the same lies I am, and only now recognize them for what they are. I don't know how it will help, but God tells me that it will. God knows exactly what each individual person is going through, even if that person doesn't. And if I have played a part in the healing or encouraging process by sharing my story, I will consider it all worthwhile, even the pain itself that I went through.
If you have questions or comments, you can leave them below or e-mail me, Facebook message me, or something like that. Sorry it was so long, I don't blame you if you didn't read it ;)
Friday, May 22, 2015
Scales of Surrender
This is a poem I wrote this spring for a dance class devotional time. By poem, I mean I threw together some lines that mostly rhyme and mostly stick to a set rhythm.
Scales of Surrender
At the alter of God
There sits a pair of scales
For measuring the balance of surrender
A child approaches
With a handful of dreams*
And stares at them wide-eyed with wonder
They look at the scales
They glance at their dreams
Wondering which one is better
They take one side
Deposite their dreams
But to the tray they are in they hold harder
The scales are tipping
Ever so slightly
Because of the weight of the dreams
The child is desperate
Holding so tightly
They watch as their offering gleams
Then a gentle touch
A soft, scarred hand
Finds the fingers that are free
It smoothly guides them
A little to the side
Where the other tray is empty
The child looks up
At this person's eyes
Their dreams momentarily forgotten
The other pulls out
His own free hand
That is holding a life of freedom
The freedom is placed
In the empty tray
That is sitting in the child's left hand
The child now holds
The scales of surrender
Whatever his choice, it will stand
Then the scales start tipping
As the child takes a peak
At the other man's life that is offered
Time seems suspended
In those fleeting moments
As the child's other hand starts to lift higher
Freedom is so pretty
Compared to his dreams
His clench on his tray starts to loosen
Then he finally lets go
Of the tray of dreams
And grabs the contents of the tray he has chosen
The other is emptied
And its contents are kept
In a special place to wait for use
And the scales of surrender
Once again sit
Ready for more bondage to loose
*It is optional to replace "dreams" with "needs" depending on what you need to hear :)
It is also optional to replace "he" with "she" etc.
Scales of Surrender
At the alter of God
There sits a pair of scales
For measuring the balance of surrender
A child approaches
With a handful of dreams*
And stares at them wide-eyed with wonder
They look at the scales
They glance at their dreams
Wondering which one is better
They take one side
Deposite their dreams
But to the tray they are in they hold harder
The scales are tipping
Ever so slightly
Because of the weight of the dreams
The child is desperate
Holding so tightly
They watch as their offering gleams
Then a gentle touch
A soft, scarred hand
Finds the fingers that are free
It smoothly guides them
A little to the side
Where the other tray is empty
The child looks up
At this person's eyes
Their dreams momentarily forgotten
The other pulls out
His own free hand
That is holding a life of freedom
The freedom is placed
In the empty tray
That is sitting in the child's left hand
The child now holds
The scales of surrender
Whatever his choice, it will stand
Then the scales start tipping
As the child takes a peak
At the other man's life that is offered
Time seems suspended
In those fleeting moments
As the child's other hand starts to lift higher
Freedom is so pretty
Compared to his dreams
His clench on his tray starts to loosen
Then he finally lets go
Of the tray of dreams
And grabs the contents of the tray he has chosen
The other is emptied
And its contents are kept
In a special place to wait for use
And the scales of surrender
Once again sit
Ready for more bondage to loose
*It is optional to replace "dreams" with "needs" depending on what you need to hear :)
It is also optional to replace "he" with "she" etc.
Explain Yourself
Hey!
My name is Katie James. You may know me, you may not. As you may have noticed, I have another blog called 30 Days of Heartwork, Working. I really enjoyed the experience of 30 Days of Heartwork, especially the part where I decided to share what I learned from the experience with all of you.
Unfortunately, 30 Days of Heartwork only lasts for, you guessed it, 30 days. So it probably wouldn't make much sense for me to continue posting on that blog now that it's over. With that in mind, I have made a new blog: Sunset Room.
This first post has been purposed with explaining why I picked the name that I did. Have you ever seen one of those golden sunsets where the sunlight is just fighting its way through the clouds and lighting up every little water droplet it touches? I love those. They make me feel like I'm looking at a doorway to heaven. I can't see what's going on, but I can tell that it's an amazing place. So I decided to name my blog after that little glimpse of heaven that I only see in those golden sunsets.
I'll be using this blog for my random babblings, but hopefully all my posts will have a purpose, and that is to encourage myself and others in our walk as Christians.
If you are not a Christian, you are still very welcome to read and enjoy. I plan to post some songs, poems, or just experiences that teach me something.
If anybody wants questions answered or other explanations, you can comment on the individual post you have a question about. However, if you have general questions that don't really fit on any specific post, you can feel free to post them here.
I hope you enjoy your journey up the mountains and into my Sunset Room! God bless!
Katie
My name is Katie James. You may know me, you may not. As you may have noticed, I have another blog called 30 Days of Heartwork, Working. I really enjoyed the experience of 30 Days of Heartwork, especially the part where I decided to share what I learned from the experience with all of you.
Unfortunately, 30 Days of Heartwork only lasts for, you guessed it, 30 days. So it probably wouldn't make much sense for me to continue posting on that blog now that it's over. With that in mind, I have made a new blog: Sunset Room.
This first post has been purposed with explaining why I picked the name that I did. Have you ever seen one of those golden sunsets where the sunlight is just fighting its way through the clouds and lighting up every little water droplet it touches? I love those. They make me feel like I'm looking at a doorway to heaven. I can't see what's going on, but I can tell that it's an amazing place. So I decided to name my blog after that little glimpse of heaven that I only see in those golden sunsets.
I'll be using this blog for my random babblings, but hopefully all my posts will have a purpose, and that is to encourage myself and others in our walk as Christians.
If you are not a Christian, you are still very welcome to read and enjoy. I plan to post some songs, poems, or just experiences that teach me something.
If anybody wants questions answered or other explanations, you can comment on the individual post you have a question about. However, if you have general questions that don't really fit on any specific post, you can feel free to post them here.
I hope you enjoy your journey up the mountains and into my Sunset Room! God bless!
Katie
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